Between Parent & Teen

By Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Edited and Indexed by H. Wallace Goddard
May be copied for noncommercial, educational purposes

Preface

A day comes in any parent’s life when there is a sudden realization: “My child is a child no longer.” This is a unique moment of elation and fear. There is joy in seeing our seed – a sapling. There is also apprehension: No longer can we protect our teen from all winds. No longer can we stand between him and the world, or shield her from life’s dangers. From now on our almost-adult must face unavoidable challenges unaccompanied by us.

There is also conflict. As parents, our need is to be needed; as teenagers their need is not to need us. This conflict is real; we experience it daily as we help those we love become independent of us.

This can be our finest hour. To let go when we want to hold on requires utmost generosity and love. Only parents are capable of such painful greatness.

Is coexistence possible?

No one could doubt the intentions of parents who worry about their teens: They want to see their children happy, healthy, and safe. Yet so often their efforts are unrewarded and their love unrequited. Teenagers resent unsolicited attention and advice. They strive to appear grown-up, independent, and self-sufficient. They need to feel capable of finding their way without parental dialect. They are like people needing loans but wishing they were financially independent. Regardless of how accommodating the parental bank may be, the interest will be resented by the teenage borrower. Help is perceived as interference; concern as babying; advice as bossing. Autonomy, though feared, is valued above all. Anyone interfering with it is the enemy.

Parents of teenagers face a difficult dilemma: How to help when help is resented; how to guide when guidance is rejected; how to communicate when attention is taken as attack.

Chapter 1 – Rebellion and response

Many teenagers have an inner radar that detects what irritates their parents. If we value neatness our teenagers may be sloppy, her room messy, her clothes repulsive, and her hair unkempt and stringy. If we insist on good manners, he may interrupt conversations, use profanity, and belch in company. If we enjoy language that has grace and nuance, he may speak slang. If we treasure peace, he may quarrel with our neighbors, tease their dogs, and bully their children. If we like good literature, she may fill our home with comic books. If we stress physical activity, he may refuse to exercise. If we are concerned about health, she may wear summer clothes in freezing weather. If we are worried about air pollution and lung cancer, he may smoke like a chimney. If we prize good marks and academic standards, she may sink to the bottom of his class.

Bewildered, parents respond with a predictable sequence of desperate measures. First, we get tough. When this fails, we switch to kindness. When no results follow, we try reasoning. When gentle persuasion falls on deaf ears, we resort to ridicule and rebuke. Then we return to threats and punishment. This is the modus operandi of a mutual frustration society.

What can parents do to stay sane and to survive with honor? A famous oriental proverb advises relaxation in face of the inevitable.

A time of turmoil

Adolescence can be a time of turmoil and turbulence, of stress and storm. Though it is estimated that only 5% of children who were trouble-free children will become trouble come teens, it is normal for all teens to test limits and seek autonomy. Resistance against authority and rebellion against convention are to be expected and tolerated for the sake of learning and growth.

Our children’s adolescence can be a difficult time for parents. It is not easy to watch a pleasant child turn into an unruly adolescent. It is especially hard to tolerate the appearance or reappearance of annoying mannerisms. It is worrisome to see a youngster lying in bed, staring into space, and twisting a piece of string for hours on end. It is bewildering to watch shifting moods, or listen to never-ending complaints. Suddenly, nothing suits their taste. The house is crummy, the car is junky, and we are old-fashioned.

Life can become a series of daily irritations. Old battles are revived. She fights getting up in the morning, and fights going to bed at night. He is behind in his studies and in his bathing. She is full of contradictions. His language is crude, but he is too shy to change clothes in the locker room. She talks about love, but a hug from mother will send her running for her life. He will quarrel and quibble and ignore our words. But he will be genuinely surprised if we feel hurt by his antics.

Our consolation (or perhaps only half a consolation) is that there is a method to the madness. His behavior fits his developmental phase. The purpose of adolescents is to establish their own identities. Adolescence is a period of curative madness, in which every teenager has to remake his or her sense of self. They must free themselves from childhood ties with parents, establish new identifications with peers, and find their own identities.

Hidden Worries

Some teenagers are preoccupied with unanswerable questions. They are obsessed with the fragility of life and the inevitability of death. The following excerpt from a letter by a sixteen-year-old girl is an example:

The more I read about life’s splendor, the more I see its tragedy: The fleetingness of time, the ugliness of age, the certainty of death. The inevitable is always on my mind. Time is my slow executioner. When I see large crowds at a beach, or a ball game, I think to myself: “Who among them is going to die first, and who last?” How many of them will be dead next year? Five years from now? Ten years from now? I feel like crying out: “How can you enjoy life when you know death is around the corner?”

Many teenagers are tormented by terrors they deem private and personal. They do not know that their anxieties and doubts are universal. This insight is hard to convey. Each teenager must attain it on his or her own. It takes time and wisdom to realize that the personal parallels the universal, and what pains one person pains all humanity.

A search for identity

The search for a personal identity is the life task of a teenager. When each looks in the mirror, the pressing question is: “Who am I?” He is not sure what he wants to be, but he knows what he does not want to be. She is afraid of being a nobody, an imitation of an image, a chip off the old block. He becomes disobedient and rebellious, not so much to defy his parents but in order to experience identity and autonomy. The contrariness can be extreme. For instance, before buying a suit one teenager asked the salesman: “If my parents like this dress, can I exchange it for another one?”

A teen’s task is tremendous, and the time is short. Too much is happening at once. There are somatic spurts, psychic urges, social clumsiness, and painful self-consciousness. No room is ever quite large enough for an adolescent. She doesn’t mean to bump into the hostess, drop her plate, or spill the drink. She just does. His feet slide from under him, and his hands create havoc.

Mass media tactlessly dramatize awkwardness for the adolescent. Television magnifies his pimples; radio call attention to his bad breath; and magazines want him to be deodorantly safe. They tell him what best friends would not: to sweeten his breath; to straighten her teeth; to wash away his dandruff; to shorten her nose; to elevate his height; to add weight or lose flab; to build muscles and correct postures. With such friendly advice many a teenager feels defective.

While teenagers can not acknowledge it, they need our help. But, to be effective, our aid must be subtle and sophisticated.

Guidelines to help

Accept the restlessness and discontents of adolescence.

Adolescence will not be a perpetually happy time. It is a time for uncertainty, self-doubt, and struggle. This is the age of cosmic yearnings and private passions, of social concern and personal agony. It is the age of inconsistency and ambivalence.

It is not helpful to ask a teenager, “What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you sit still? What has suddenly gotten into you?” These are unanswerable questions. Even if he knew, he could not say: “Look Mom, I am torn by conflicting emotions. I am engulfed by irrational urges. I am burning with unfamiliar desires.”

Says Brian, age sixteen:

“I’m always frustrated. I’m in love and there’s no girl. I’m overcharged and there’s no outlet. I look for a chance to act, to flex my muscles, to feel my strength. I can’t talk about it with my parents. I want to learn the bitter from the sweet by tasting, not by talking. I hunger for experience; they feed me explanations.”

Seventeen-year-old Barbara dramatically vents the agonies of her age:

“Every day I ask myself why I am not the person I would like to be. My relationship with myself is a very unhappy one. I am temperamental, a person of many moods. I pretend, so people cannot discern it. This is what I hate most about my life. I always act not like my true self. All I really want of life is to have someone who can accept me as I am.

A teenager’s need is urgent and pressing. But like hunger and pain, it is easier experienced than put in words. Parents can help by tolerating his restlessness, respecting his loneliness, and accepting the discontent. They can best help by not prying.

Don’t minimize their feeling of unique struggle.

Teenagers do not want instant understanding. When troubled by conflicts, they feel unique. Their emotions seem new, personal, private. No one else ever felt just so. They are insulted when told, “I know exactly how you feel. At your age I too felt the same.” It distresses them to be seen as transparent, naïve, and simple when they feel complex, mysterious, and inscrutable. To sense when a teenager needs understanding and when misunderstanding is a difficult and delicate task. The sad truth is that no matter how wise we are we cannot know fully how they feel. And we cannot be right for any length of time in our teenager’s eyes.

Differentiate between acceptance and approval.

Teenagers rebel in a thousand ways. Our response must differentiate between tolerance and sanction, between acceptance and approval. We tolerate much, but sanction little. A physician does not reject a patient because he bleeds. Though unpleasant, such behavior is tolerated; it is neither encouraged nor welcomed. It is merely accepted. Similarly, a parent can tolerate unlikable behavior without sanctioning it.

Wise parents know that fighting a teenager, like fighting a riptide, is inviting doom. When caught in a crosscurrent expert swimmers stop struggling. They know that they cannot fight their way to shore. They float and let the tide carry them, until they find a firm footing. Likewise, parents of teenagers must flow with life, alert to opportunities for safe contact.

Don’t imitate his language and conduct.

Children are childish, adults must be adultish. Teenagers deliberately adopt a style of life that is different from ours. When we imitate their style, we only force them into further opposition.

Says Mrs. A: “I discovered this week that I have been doing something right. My daughter had a long talk with me about mothers and daughters. She told me that her best friend Holly was very unhappy because her mother competes with her ‘in figure and fashion.’ My daughter then gave me a nice compliment. She said: “Mother’s should be fashion conscious only to a point. For instance, you dress well, Mom. You look like a mother and act like a mother, and talk like a mother.’”

Don’t collect thorns.

Parents are often tempted to impose their standards and methods on their children. Some parents make a career of correcting their children. They look for unpleasant facts about their teenager’s conduct, and track down small defects in their character. For their own good, so they believe, they need to be reminded of their deficiencies. Such honesty eventually kills communication between parent and teenager. No one benefits from flaws flung in his or her face. It is too threatening for a teenager to cope with the naked reality of personal faults. Calling attention to them is like shining a harsh spotlight on them. Eyes will shut instantly and instinctively. It is not helpful to dwell on character flaws. When forced to admit such faults publicly, a teenager may no longer want to correct them privately. In situations in which flaws become apparent, our immediate task is to help them cope with present crises. Our long-term task is to provide them with relationships and experiences that correct character and build personality. Our main purpose is to tempt them to live up to their human potential. This purpose is better implemented quietly than proclaimed loudly.

Don’t step on corns.

Every teenager has some imperfections about which he is especially sensitive. The world usually takes notice of them, to tease and ridicule. If a teenager is small she will be called “shorty,” “shrimp,” or “runt.” If he is thin and tall, he is a “string bean,” “stretch,” or “bean pole.” If she is fat, she will be named “fatso,” “chubby,” or “blimp.” If he is weak, he may be called “sissie,” “mama’s boy,” or “chicken.” Young teenagers suffer deeply from such nicknames, even when they pretend indifference. It is best that parents not tease their teenager, even in jest. Insult cuts deeper and lasts longer when it comes from a parent. The damage may be permanent.

Parents should avoid treating a teenager like a child. Parents often like to remind their teenager how little he was just a few years ago. They tell “cute” incidents of the past: How he used to be afraid of the dark or how he wet his pants at a birthday party.

Teenagers hate to be reminded of their babyhood. They want to put distance between themselves and childhood. They want to be considered grown-ups. Parents should support this desire. In presence of our teenager, we should refrain from reminiscing about his infancy or showing off his photos taken in the nude at the age of one. Our whole way of relating – our praise, criticism, reward, or discipline – should be geared to a young adult, not a young child.

Don’t invite dependence.

In adolescence, dependency creates hostility. Parents who foster dependence invite unavoidable resentment. Teenagers crave independence. The more self-capable we make them feel, the less hostile they are toward us. A wise parent sympathetically watches the drama of growth, but resists the desire to intervene too often. Out of concern and respect, whenever possible, parents allow their teenagers to make their own choices and to use their own powers. Their language is deliberately sprinkled with statements that encourage independence:

“The choice is yours.”

“You decide about that.”

“If you want to.”

“It’s your decision.”

“Whatever you choose is fine with me.”

A parental “yes” is gratifying to a small child. But teenagers need voice and choice in matters that affect their lives.

The following is an example of a respectful response:

Mrs. A: My sixteen-year-old daughter told me how she was planning to work out her problems with a boy friend. She wanted to know what I thought of her plan. I said, “What you have proposed makes sense to me.” My daughter seemed satisfied. In a considerate voice she said: “Thank you, Mother.”

Don’t hurry to correct facts.

Teenagers often respond to corrections with obstinacy. They become

unreachable and unteachable, determined not to be influenced by anyone or forced into anything.

As one teenager said: “There is a certain satisfaction in being in the wrong that a goody-goody will never know.”

Another teenager said: “I now my father is right. But I do wish he didn’t rub my nose in it.”

And a teenager in therapy related: “My father is a natural born improver. It hurts him to see me do things my own way. He always has a batter way – his own. I dislike my father’s advice. I am determined to make my own mistakes.”

A bitter-tongued parent cannot teach respect for facts. Truth for its own sake can be a deadly weapon in family relations. Truth without compassion can destroy love. Some parents try too hard to prove exactly how, where, and why they have been right. This approach will bring bitterness and disappointment. When attitudes are hostile, facts are unconvincing.

Don’t violate their privacy.

Teenagers need privacy; it allows them to have a life of their own. By providing privacy, we demonstrate respect. Some parents pry too much. They read their teenagers’ mail and listen in on their telephone calls. Such violations may cause resentment. Teenagers feel cheated and enraged. In their eyes, invasion of privacy is a dishonorable offense. As one girl said: “I am going to sue my mother for malpractice of parenthood.” She unlocked my desk and read my diary.”

One sixteen-year-old boy complained: “My mother has no respect for me. She invades my privacy and violates my civil rights. She comes into my room and rearranges my drawers. She can’t stand disorder, she says. I wish she’d tidy up her own room and leave mine alone. I deliberately mess up my desk as soon as she cleans it up. But mother never learns.”

Some teenagers complain that their parents participate too eagerly in their social life.

Respect for privacy requires distance which parents find hard to maintain. They want closeness and fraternization. For all their good will, they intrude and invade. Such familiarity does not breed mutual esteem. For respect to flourish, parents and teenagers must keep some distance. They can “Stand together yet not too near together.” Respect encompasses an awareness of our teenager as a distinct and unique individual, a person apart from us. In the last analysis, neither parent nor teenager “belongs” to the other. Each belongs to himself or herself.

Avoid clichés and preaching.

Says fifteen-year-old May: “I can’t talk to my mother. She becomes over concerned. Instead of helping me, she starts suffering. Her eyes fill with tears and her face says: ‘Oh, poor thing. It hurts me more than it hurts you.’ How would you like to be helped by a doctor who is so sympathetic that he faints at the sight of blood? That’s my mother.”

To be helpful, we need to learn empathy – an ability to respond genuinely to our child’s moods and feelings without being infected by them. We need to help our teenager with his anger, fear, and confusion, without ourselves becoming angry, fearful, and confused.

The phrase, “When I was your age” brings instant deafness to teenagers. They defend themselves against our moralistic monologues by not listening. They do not want to hear how good we were, and how bad they are by comparison. Even if they hear us, they do not believe that we were so hard-working, sensible, smart, thrifty, and well behaved. In fact, they have difficulty imagining that we were ever young.

Don’t talk in chapters.

Says Barry, age seventeen: “My mother does not converse, she lectures. She turns the simplest idea into a complex inquiry. I ask a short question, she gives me a long answer. I avoid her. Her speeches take too much of my time. I wish she talked in sentences and paragraphs, not in chapters.”

Says Bess, age sixteen: “My father is sensitive to temperature but not to temperament. He is totally unaware of emotions and moods. He does not read between the lines, and cannot sense words unsaid. He can talk at length without ever becoming aware that he is losing his audience. He does not see obvious signs of boredom. He never notices that he has lost an argument. He merely thinks he has failed to make his position clear. He talks but does not communicate.”

Don’t label them.

Parents often treat teenagers as though they were deaf. They talk about them in their presence, as though they were objects. They evaluate their past, and predict their future. Thus, they create self-fulfilling prophecies: “Alfie was born a sour puss. He is a natural pessimist. Always was and always will be.

Claire is neither here nor there. She is a dreamer. She takes after her Aunt Emily, the poet. She lives in a world of her own.”

Such labeling is dangerous. Children tend to live down to the problems prophesied by their parents.

Don’t use reverse psychology.

Teenagers often complain that their parents drive them crazy. Says Beth, age fifteen, “My mother knows how to get my goat. She tries to motivate me by exaggerating me. When she wants me to behave, she says: ‘You’ll never do that right.’ When she wants me to clean my room, she adds: ‘I am wasting my breath on you. You just don’t care.’”

A parent should not use reverse psychology on teenagers. It is a dishonest approach that leads to spiteful behavior and relations.

Don’t send teens on guilt trips.

Teenagers suffer greatly from parental messages that are confused and contradictory.

Mother said to Molly, age fifteen: “Sure, you may go to the dance. You’ll have a good time. Of course, you know me. I never sleep when you go out. I’ll wait up for you.” Mother’s statement put her daughter in an impossible situation. Molly is damned if she goes to the dance, and damned if she does not. Mother’s double message resulted in confusion and distress. To avoid conflict, a parent’s statement should carry one message: A clear prohibition, a gracious permission, or an open choice.

When Brenda, age fourteen, asked permission to go to a party her mother answered: “I have to think about it. I’ll give you a definite answer tomorrow morning.” Mother thought over the request and made inquiries about the party, and then gave her permission graciously. She said: “It seems like a lovely party. You may attend it if you want to.” Mother helped Brenda choose the right dress and sent her off to the party excited and happy.

Don’t catastrophize.

Many parents fear that their teenager will never mature. They loudly lament his future fate while prodding him to grow up.

“You’ll never be able to hold a job unless you learn to get up on time.”

“No one will want to hire you unless you learn to spell. You’re practically illiterate.”

“With such handwriting you won’t even be able to cash your unemployment checks.”

We cannot prepare our teenagers for the future. We can only help them deal with the present. There can be no real preparation for the most soul shaking experiences a teenager may have to live through: being jilted by a beloved; being betrayed by a friend; being snubbed by peers; being mistreated by a teacher; being shaken by the death of a relative or of a friend.

It makes no sense to speculate about such eventualities. It is unkind to tell a boy in love, “Look, sometimes love cools off. Your girl may jilt you. Better be prepared.” Or, “Don’t depend so much on one friend. He may let you down. You should have more friends, just in case.” Or, “You love your dog too much. What if he should die? He can’t live forever. Start getting used to the idea.”

Teenagers must make their way in life facing each crisis as it is encountered. Our silent love is their main support. Advice will be rejected. Reasoning will be resented. Even mild warnings will be taken as personal affront.

Secure in their parents’ affection and respect teenagers must venture on their journey alone. Concerned adults serve best when with confidence they stand and wait. As one seventeen-year-old girl put it: “As I think back… you didn’t seem to do a thing but be there. And yet a harbor doesn’t do anything, either, except to stand there quietly with arms always outstretched waiting for the travelers to come home.”

Chapter 2 – First Respect Their Reality

Acknowledging experience

It is common for parents to judge teens’ perceptions and statements by their own reality. Parents need a different approach. First of all do not deny your teenagers’ perceptions. Do not argue with their experiences. Do not try to convince him that what he sees or hears or feels or senses is not so.

Carol and her mother were window shopping:

CAROL, age fifteen : What a beautiful blouse.

MOTHER: It’s not beautiful. It’s ugly and vulgar.

Such a reply creates hostility. Mother may have intended to prevent a bad choice, but Carol did not hear the hidden intentions. What she heard was: “You are stupid. You have no taste.”

An effective response does not attack a teenager’s taste. Instead, it describes it.

“I see you want a blouse that is cut low.”

“You like green, pink and purple.”

“You go for large designs.”

Parents may then state their own preference.

“I prefer quiet patterns.”

“I like soft colors.”

“I go for delicate designs.”

“I am fond of stripes.”

These statements are safe because they omit evaluations. They do not criticize. The only describe. Descriptive statements are not likely to arouse hostility and defiance. Since her taste is not attacked, the teenager need not defend it. A non-critical response leaves her free to reconsider her choices. It allows for change of mind without loss of face.

The Salty Soup – A Story with a Moral

Cynthia, age fourteen, tasted a spoonful of soup.

CYNTHIA ( with disgust ): It’s too salty.

MOTHER: No, it’s not. I hardly used any salt at all. Stop complaining and eat!

CYNTHIA: It’s awful.

MOTHER: The soup is delicious. It has mushrooms and barley and –

CYNTHIA: Look, Mom, if it’s so delicious you eat it.

MOTHER: You know what you are? You are fresh and spoiled. That’s what you are. Millions of children would love to have this soup.

CYNTHIA: So give it to them.

She rushed away to her room.

This episode deserves a happier ending. When a teenager complains that a dish is too spicy or too hot or too cold, it is not helpful to argue with her taste buds. Instead, accept his experience as fact and respond accordingly:

“The soup is too salty for you.”

“You prefer less spice in your soup.”

It is best not to volunteer verbal remedies. Instead, we let our teenager use his own initiative to deal with life situations. Acknowledging the difficulty and waiting for her suggestions allows her to assert her will and exercise her autonomy.

Food is a symbol of love; it is best to deal with it graciously. It is unlikely that our generosity will be exploited. On the contrary, it will induce good will. When mellower moods prevail, complaints evaporate and solutions appear.

When Carl’s mother responded to his complaints about the corned beef with: “Oh, it’s too salty for you. I wish we had something else,” seventeen-year-old Carl said: “It’s O.K., Mom. I’ll take it with a grain of salt.” Everybody laughed and the crisis was over. In the past, similar complaints led to angry arguments and spoiled moods.

Abstract art and concrete conversation

Calvin, age thirteen, went with his father to a gallery of abstract art.

CALVIN: These pictures don’t make any sense.

FATHER: What do you know about art? Have you read any books on the subject? You would do well to get an education before you express and opinion.

Calvin gave father a deadly look and said: “I still think the pictures stink.”

This conversation did not increase Calvin’s appreciation for art or his love for his father. Calvin felt insulted, hurt, and revengeful. He will look for an opportunity to get back at his father. From the mouths of our children come words we should never have said.

When Clara, age fourteen, criticized modern painting, mother did not dispute her opinion. Nor did she condemn her taste.

MOTHER: You don’t like abstract art?

CLARA: I sure don’t. It’s ugly.

MOTHER: You prefer representational art?

CLARA: What’s that?

MOTHER: You like it when a house looks like a house, and a tree like a tree, and a person like a person.

CLARA: Yes.

MOTHER: Then you like representational art.

CLARA: Imagine that. All my life I liked representational art and didn’t know it.

The politics of peace: words and feelings

Charles, age sixteen, is interested in political science. He likes to talk about strange countries and foreign nations. His facts are not always accurate and his opinions are often overstated.

CHARLES: China will soon be the strongest nation in the world. Now is the time to declare war on China .

FATHER: Look at my sixteen-year-old military genius! What do you know about such complex problems? You talk like an idiot. Let me tell you a few things about China .

CHARLES ( in anger ): No thanks, Dad.

FATHER: What’s the matter? The argument getting too hot for you? Well, “If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”

Hurt and angry, Charles left the living room, while father went on lecturing to his wife on how to bring peace to the world. Father’s sermon on peace resulted in a new war at home. His talk with his son did not create greater love or respect in the family. Charles did not learn anything about peace, or politics. He did learn to resent his father, and to keep his ideas to himself.

Was the battle necessary? Perhaps not. It is never wise to try to convince our teenager that he is stupid, and that his ideas are idiotic. The real danger is that he may believe us. Applying the rule of not disputing a teenager’s opinions, father could have said: “I am interested in your ideas about war and peace. Tell me more about them.” Then father could have repeated the gist of this son’s views to indicate that he had listened and understood. Then, and only then, he would state his own views: “I see we differ in our opinion on China . This is my view…” In an argument, the key to dialogue is the willingness to summarize the other person’s view, before stating one’s own.

It is a parent’s responsibility to demonstrate to his teenager fruitful methods of communication and conversation, such as:

Listening with attention.

Repeating the gist of the teen’s statement.

Avoiding criticism and name calling.

Stating one’s own views.

We win our teenager’s attention when we listen with a third ear and responds with a sympathetic tongue. We win his heart when we express for him clearly what he said vaguely. We win respect when we are authentic, when our words fit our feelings. The following stories illustrate how parents can use the method of acknowledging experience.

“The way you feel is how it really was for you.”

Cora, age fifteen, complained because her younger sister had gone skating, and her brother bowling.

CORA: They’re always doing things – skating, bowling. When I was their age I could never do anything. You never took me skating.

MOTHER: Well, honey, you know that your doctor wouldn’t permit you on skates.

FATHER: You forget that you were ill. Still, we did many things together.

CORA: I don’t remember doing anything. You never took me anywhere.

MOTHER and FATHER ( protesting in chorus ): But, Cora, we did. Don’t you remember the circus, the trip to Canada ?

At this point mother changed her approach. All at once, she latched on to Cora’s feelings, and said to her husband: “Cora feels deprived! She really feels neglected!” “That’s right I do!” Cora confirmed loudly.

MOTHER: It doesn’t matter what the reasons are. If you feel this way, that’s how it really was for you.

CORA ( quietly ): That’s right!

The steam was taken out of the subject and the argument came to a halt. Mother related: “This incident convinced me that reason and logic do not satisfy the needs of a teenager in emotional situations. It also taught me that I can change approaches in mid-stream.”

“Missing two days can mean a great deal.”

Here is a story of a mother who has learned to acknowledge rather than deny her child’s perception.

The family planned to go to Florida two days before school ended. When Cary , age thirteen, heard about the timing, he became upset and said: “I can’t leave before school ends. I’ll miss too much work!”

FATHER: Don’t be ridiculous. They don’t do anything in school before vacation.

CARY : That’s not true. You don’t know what it’s like to miss even one day!

FATHR: Big deal – two days! The teachers will be cleaning up to go on vacation themselves.

This conversation became more bitter. Mother suddenly became aware of what was wrong. She heard an inner voice: “Don’t deny a child’s perception.” To Cary she said, “In eighth grade missing two day can mean a great deal. You’ll have a lot of work to make up. Maybe you would prefer to stay home, or take a later flight and meet us.” Cary immediately perked up. Mother continued: “Or maybe you can discuss it with your teachers and take along some extra work. Think about what you’d like to do and let us know. After all, we need not jeopardize you position in school just for a few days of vacation.” Given the status he was seeking, Cary very soon said, “Let me think it over, I’ll find a solution.”

“It’s rough getting out of bed, especially on a cool morning.”

Here is a mother who used her skill to start the day on the right foot.

“The alarm went off, but Cyrus, age fifteen, shut it, turned over, went back to sleep.

“I called, ‘Clock says seven-thirty, Cy.’

“‘I know,’ he grumbled.

“‘It’s rough getting out of bed, especially on a cool morning. How about a warm cup of cocoa?”

“‘No, I’d rather have milk and some toast – nothing else please.’

“He was up. I didn’t have to nag him or threaten him. But he was still grumpy. He complained, ‘All these books. I get tired before the day begins.’

“‘You want a ride to school this morning, don’t you?” I questioned.

“‘Well, yes,’ he said, ‘but I don’t want to get you out of the house so early. I can’t wait till I get my driver’s license. I’ll get myself a jalopy and drive myself.’ He got dressed and walked to school.”

“It is lonesome to practice by yourself.”

This episode was described by a music teacher.

“Craig, age thirteen, didn’t have his written homework for his music lesson completed. In the past, I used to ask for explanations. Invariably, I received fantastic excuses. This time I expressed my displeasure without insult, threat, or question. ‘I expect you to be prepared,’ I stated. ‘But I practiced,’ Craig protested. ‘The written work is part of you responsibility,’ I replied firmly. ‘I see you’re not a marshmallow,’ said Craig. ‘My former teacher was a real soft touch.’

“Later in the lesson, Craig said, ‘I really like to play the piano. Practicing isn’t much fun, though. I wish I didn’t have to practice.’ ‘It is lonesome to practice by yourself,’ I remarked. His eyes lit up. ‘Yeah, it sure is. You really know what it feels like, don’t you?’ said Craig. I just smiled and he continued to practice.”

The person and the method

Acknowledging experience and reflecting feelings are helpful interpersonal skills. However, they are not tricks or gimmicks. Nor can they be used mechanically. They are helpful only within a context of concern and respect. In human relations, the agents of help are never solely the techniques, but the person who employs them. Without compassion and authenticity, techniques fail.

Chapter 3 – The healing dialogue

Parents can be their children’s advocates

Daniel, age fourteen, came home raving mad: “The dumb bus driver Smitty called me a stupid idiot, three times! And he pushed me, too.”

MOTHER: Mr. Smith wouldn’t push you without a reason. You must have done something to provoke him. What did you do?

DANIEL: Nothing. I was just talking.

MOTHER: Look, I know you and I know Mr. Smith. He’s a nice man. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. He must have been tired. It’s not easy to drive a bus full of wild kids.

At this point Daniel exploded. At the top of his voice he yelled: “You don’t care about me at all. You always defend the other guy,” and he stormed out of the house.

In this episode mother was not helpful. When a teenager is in trouble, there are many adults willing to prosecute him. It is only fair that our child not be left without a defense attorney. And who but the parent is more capable of being the child’s advocate? Many parents act as though they were their teenager’s prosecutor. In any dispute they come to the defense of a stranger rather than their own son or daughter. They provide explanations and excuses for the discourtesy of a driver, the teasing of a teachers, the rudeness of a waiter, the insult of a classmate, the nagging of a neighbor, and the brutality of a bully.

Some parents refuse to stand by their teenagers in their entanglements with the world out of fear of making them soft. They resist their natural inclination to help them because they believe they will be better prepared for life in “The School of Hard Knocks.” This false belief has estranged many parents from their teenagers.

Parents are their children’s advocates. Like attorneys they operate within the law. They do not condone misbehavior, or sanction misconduct. Lawyers do not encourage crime. They do not compliment a safe-cracker on his skill or a con artist on her cunning. However, regardless of the offense they defend the accused. In the most difficult situations they try to see the extenuating circumstances and to provide aid and hope.

Emotional first aid

When Daniel told his mother that he had been insulted and pushed around by the school-bus driver, it was not her duty to look for the driver’s motives or to supply excuses for him. Her task was to show her son that she understood his anger, hurt, and humiliation. Any of the following statements would have told Daniel that his mother knew what he had gone through:

“It must have been terribly embarrassing for you.”

“It must have been humiliating.”

“It must have made you angry.”

“It must have made you furious.”

“You must have really resented him at that moment.”

Strong feelings tend to diminish in intensity and to lose their sharp edges when a sympathetic listener accepts them with understanding. Compassion is a great healer. After emotional first aid has been administered, it is often best to postpone further action. The temptations to teach someone an instant lesson should be resisted. Immediate intervention may only escalate the conflict. It is easier to resolve incidents and restore peace when emotions have subsided and moods changed. In emotional situations, a parent’s response to his teenager should be different form that of anyone else. A stranger speaks to the mind; a parent speaks to the heart.

David, age seventeen, was interviewed for a summer job, but was rejected. He returned home disappointed and depressed. Father felt sympathy for his son and conveyed it effectively.

FATHER: You really wanted this job, didn’t you?

DAVID: I sure did.

FATHER: And you were so well equipped for it, too.

DAVID: Yeah! A lot of good that did me.

FATHER: What a disappointment.

DAVID: It sure is, Dad.

FATHER: Looking forward to a job and having it slip away just when you need it is tough.

David: Yeah, I know.

There was silence for a moment. Then David said, “It’s not the end of the world. I’ll find another job.”

Seven roads to trouble

The preceding situation could have been mishandled in several distinct ways:

1. By reasoning. “What did you expect? To get the first job you wanted? Life is not like that. You may have to go to five or even ten interviews before you are hired.”
2. By clichés. “ Rome was not built in one day, you know. You are still very young, and your whole life is in front of you. So, chin up. Smile and the world will smile with you. Cry and you will cry alone. I hope it will teach you not to count you chickens before they are hatched.”
3. By “take me for instance. ” “When I was your age I went looking for my first job. I shined my shoes, got a hair cut, put on clean clothes, and carried the Wall Street Journal with me. I know how to make a good impression.”
4. By minimizing the situation. “I don’t see why you should feel so depressed. There is really no good reason for you to be so discouraged. Big deal! One job did not work out. It’s not worth even talking about.
5. By “the trouble with you. ” “The trouble with you is that you don’t know how to talk with people. You always put your foot in your moth. You lack poise and you are fidgety. You are too eager, and not patient enough. Besides, you are thin-skinned and easily hurt.”
6. By self-pity . “I am so sorry dear, I don’t know what to tell you. My heart breaks. Life is so much a matter of luck. Other people have all the luck. They know the right people in the right places. We don’t know anyone.
7. By a “Pollyanna” approach. “Everything happens for the best. If you miss one bus there will soon be another, perhaps a less crowded one. If you didn’t get one job, you’ll get another – perhaps even a better one.”

Parents can learn to avoid such hazards to effective communication. They can learn to listen attentively and respond simply and sympathetically.

The nonjudgmental reply

Adults usually react to their teenager’s statements in one of two ways: they either approve or disapprove. Yet the most helpful response to children is often nonjudgmental. A nonevaluative response contains neither praise nor criticism. Instead, it identifies feelings, recognizes wishes, and acknowledges opinions.

The following statements by mothers illustrate helpful responses to emotional situations:

“It’s very hard to stay home sick”

“My husband planned to take our children ice skating. However, Donna, age thirteen, got sick. So only our younger son went along. Donna became extremely upset. When I saw her reaction I wanted to say: ‘You’re the one who always gets taken places while you brother usually stays home. Now, for a change, when he’s going you’re complaining.’ Fortunately, I controlled myself. In the back of my mind I knew that if I could recognize how she felt, instead of judging her, life would be better. I said, ‘It’s very hard to stay home sick while Daddy and Brother go skating, isn’t it, Donna?’ She agreed. I said, “You wish you were going, too.’ ‘Yes.’ She answered with a long sigh. Her mood changed. She was soon absorbed in a book.”

“It’s been such a long day for you.”

Scene: Mother and daughter washing dishes.

DORA: I am so tired.

MOTHER: It’s been such a long day for you.

DORE: Yes, and school was so-o-o boring.

MOTHER: It was very long…

DORA: Yes, the teacher is slow. Her voice is so monotonous. And we had her for two periods, math and science, one right after the other.

MOTHER: I bet it seemed endless.

DORA: That’s right. It tired me out, but I feel better now.

“You’re really annoyed with the alarm clock.”

“Ours is a household in which four children and two parents leave the house between 7:30 and 8:10 A.M. Imagine the chaos on the morning last week when everyone slept until 7:50. But my ‘new look’ made the situation salvageable. Recognizing the children’s feelings was most effective. ‘You’re really annoyed that you forgot to set the alarm!’ ‘You hate to have to hurry getting dressed.’ ‘You wish you had more time.’ These statements proved much more effective than my usual sermons on responsibility and punctuality.”

“You do have a lot of work.”

“Oliver, age thirteen, came home from school in an ornery mood. He had a lot of homework plus an assignment he hadn’t finished in school. He said he hated his teacher because she kept piling on work.

“I resisted the impulse to preach: ‘Well, it’s not your teacher’s fault. You have only yourself to blame. If you had finished the work in class, you wouldn’t have to do it at home.’ Instead I said, ‘You do have a lot of work: Spelling, arithmetic, and social studies all in one day.’ To my surprise Oliver answered, ‘I’d better start right away. I have lots to do.’”

“It’s scary to get out and play in front of all those people.”

“Diane, age fourteen, is a gifted pianist, but she performs poorly at recitals. Before each performance she cries and complains of nervousness. I used to tell her there was nothing to worry about. I tried to reassure her with inane words like: ‘The audience doesn’t know when you make a mistake’; or ‘You are terrific, go and prove it to everyone’; or ‘This behavior on your part is nonsensical.’ I was denying her painful feelings.

“She played each time, but never well. There were moments of forgetting, of poor technique, and of loss of beautiful nuances. After each concert, she would weep and call herself a failure. I would minimize her poor performance and insist that she was quite good. I lied and she knew it was a lie.

“Last week, she was scheduled to perform a piano concerto. The familiar wailing and weeping started. But, this time I was prepared. When Diane told me shoe could not perform, and asked me to announce that she was ill, I really listened to her. Then I said: ‘It scary to get out and play in front of all those people. You must feel as if they are judging you. Of course you feel nervous.’

“Diane couldn’t believe her ears. She said, ‘You do understand how I feel, Mother. I never thought you really did.’

“Diane performed well. Though tense and concerned, she played better than ever before. After the concert she said, ‘This time I really deserved the applause. Don’t you agree?’ ‘It was a real pleasure to listen to your playing,’ I answered. There were tears of joy in her eyes.

Empathy and genuineness

It should be emphasized that the suggested methods are not merely techniques but interpersonal skills and personal attitudes, helpful only when used with empathy and genuineness. They are effective when applied selectively and appropriately. Teenagers vary in their response to our communications. In words and acts they tell us what they like or dislike. A wise application of parental skills will not ignore individual differences in temperament and personality.

Chapter 4 – Criticism: a new approach

Parental criticism is unhelpful. It creates anger, resentment, and defiance. There are even worse effects. When a teenager is constantly criticized he learns to condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own worth, and to belittle the value of others. He learns to suspect people, and to expect personal doom. Criticism is unnecessary. When we take a wrong turn on a road and lose our way, the last thing we need is criticism. It is not helpful to have our driving skills and character analyzed and evaluated at this point. What we need is a friendly person to give us clear directions. It is not helpful to be asked:

“Why did you take the wrong turn?”

“Didn’t you see the signs?”

“Can’t you read?”

“Why don’t you think before you turn?”

“You always think you know the way.”

“Can’t you ask for directions?”

A lesson in living

Ed, age fourteen, promised to wash the family car. He forgot to do it and then made a last-minute attempt to do the job.

FATHER: The car needs more work, especially on the top and on the left side. When can you do it?

ED: I can work on the car tonight, Dad.

FATHER: Thank you.

In the hands of a more critical director this incident could have become a flaming drama.

FATHER: Did you wash the car?

SON: Yes, Dad.

FATHER: Are you sure?

SON: Sure, I’m sure!

FATHER: Then why is it so dirty? It’s filthy! It looks worse than it did before!

SON: But I washed it!

FATHER: You call that washing? You played – like you always do. Fun – that’s all you want! You think you can go through life like that? With such sloppy work, you won’t last one day on a job. You’re irresponsible – that’s what you are!

Helpful problem solving

Constructive problem solving has one main function: To point out what has to be done in the situation. Helpful problem solving does not address itself to the personality. It deals with difficult event. It never attacks the person.

When Felix, age sixteen, failed chemistry for the second semester, his father became alarmed. He called Felix in for conversation. He concentrated on one point: “What can be done to help with this difficult subject?” Father was not provoked to discuss the past or to make predictions about the future. He did not assign blame nor threaten with consequences. He maintained a problem-solving attitude. “We have a problem – let’s find a solution.”

Unhelpful criticism

To be effective as parents we may have to unlearn some deeply ingrained lessons from our own childhood. Those who do not learn from the past are compelled to repeat it. Our aim is to avoid such blind repetition. The following excerpts from a parents’ discussion group illustrate this point:

MRS. A: When I get angry, certain phrases come to my mind full-blown. I don’t have to compose them. I even use the same tone my mother did thirty years ago.

MR. B: My father used to call me “stupid” and I hated it. Now I find myself using the same label with my son. I don’t like it at all. I don’t like myself when I do it.

MRS. C: I’m so used to being criticized that it comes naturally to me. I use exactly the same words my mother used against me, when I was a child. I never did anything right and she always make me do things over. I do the same to my children.

MR. D: My parents had a rich collection of insults in three languages. They gave them out generously. I try hard not to inflict them on my children. But when I get angry I can’t seem to help myself.

MRS. E: My mother was a singer. When she got angry she sang insults in Italian and in English!

All of us carry within ourselves a private collection of instant insults. This relic of our past is a needless burden. We can learn to communicate without sarcasm and ridicule. There is no place for biting comments in conversations between parents and teenagers. Sarcasm evokes resentment and provokes counterattacks.

Says sixteen-year-old Stanley , “My father has a talent for sarcasm. His tongue is like a whip. He can cut down in a minute what you have built in a month. Last week, I won our school’s tennis tournament. I felt great. I was on top of the world. I said to my father, ‘Hey Dad, I just beat the captain of our tennis team.’ In a tone full of contempt, my father replied, ‘Some captain!’ At that moment, I went mad. I was filled with such fury that I was afraid to stay near him. I yelled back, ‘Some father!’ and I ran out of the room.”

Criticism and self image

Criticism of personality and character gives teenagers negative feelings about themselves. Abusive adjectives attached to personality have a devastating effect. When we call our teenagers “stupid” or “clumsy” or “ugly” there are reactions in their bodies and souls. They react with resentment, anger, and defiance. They may then feel guilty about their hostility and as we heap more criticism on them, they act worse leading to another cycle of criticism, punishment, and revenge. Thus, a cycle of misery is created that makes family life a torture.

Teenagers who are repeatedly made to feel stupid eventually accept such evaluations as fact. They may give up intellectual pursuits, hoping to escape ridicule. Since competition means failure, their safety depends on not trying. In school they never volunteer. They skip tests, avoid homework, and before final exams they get sick. They may forever remain true to a false motto: “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.” Teenagers who are repeatedly called “clumsy” incorporate this evaluation into their self-image. They may give up sports and other social pursuits in which agility is required. They are convinced that they can never be any good at them.

When Theodore, age sixteen, inadvertently spilled paint on the rug, his parents became enraged.

MOTHER: How many times have I told you to be careful with paint? You always make a mess of things!

FATHER: ( with disgust ): He can’t help it. He’s sloppy! He always was and always will be!

There is no doubt that the cost of the ridicule far exceeded the cost of the rug. How does one price loss of confidence? Accidents should not trigger insults. It is best to clean up the paint, without smearing the personality.

“The glue spilled, get a rag.”

When Fay, age fifteen, spilled glue on the carpet, mother called out: “Oh, the glue spilled. Get a rag and some water.” Mother helped Fay clean up the mess while saying, “The glue is so messy. It’s hard to get it off the carpet.” Fay answered: “I’m sorry, Mom. I should have been more careful.”

Fay’s mother dealt effectively with a sticky situation. She didn’t attack her daughter. She tackled the problem. Mother was tempted to warn about “next time” but when she saw how grateful her daughter was she restrained herself. In the past, the cry over spilled glue would have spoiled the mood for the entire day.

“What a pleasure, something spills and no one is blamed.”

Father tells this incident:

“We were having lunch. The fourteen-year-old spilled his milk. I kept talking. He jumped up and said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll wipe it up’ I kept on with my conversation. My son said: ‘What a pleasure, something spilled and no one was blamed.’”

“My first impulse was to scream.”

Another mother says:

“We just came back from a twelve-day vacation with our two teenagers, thirteen and sixteen. One incident that could have marred the trip was smoothed over because of my new knowledge. My sixteen-year-old was wearing her favorite bracelet. On the way to our next stop, she turned to me, pale and upset. The bracelet was missing.

“My first impulse was to scream at her about how careless and stupid she was. Instead, I said, ‘Oh, that’s too bad! You may have left it in the hotel. We’ll write to them and see if they found it.’ She was relieved and grateful. The vacation was not ruined for us.”

Ink and Anger

Another mother relates:

“On returning home I noticed ink stains on a dinette chair and on the sofa. A quick survey revealed the guilty party to by my fourteen-year-old son, still oblivious to the broken pen in his hip pocket.

“Instead of ‘raising the roof,’ a response typical for me, I showed him what had happened. Together we cleaned the furniture. This was done with a minimum of criticism. I was surprised and pleased by my calm.

“About an hour later, I went into my bedroom and discovered that the inky party had been there too, leaving permanent stains on the upholstered chair. This really put me to the test, and I can’t guarantee what the result would have been if not for a knock on the door. My son came to tell me how much he appreciated my not getting angry. He wanted me to know that he really felt terrible about the accident. His words helped me pass the test once more.”

When things go wrong

Many of us have to learn this lesson: When things go wrong, it is not the right time to tell a teenager anything about his personality or character. When a person is drowning, it is not a good time to teach him to swim, or to ask him questions, or to criticize his performance. It is time to help.

“I know you are not happy to have to bring home such a note.”

The following incident, told by a father of a thirteen-year-old boy, is an example of constructive help in a crisis situation.

“Frank came home with a long note from his teacher. It was far from good. We have had such notes before. Our tirade against him would last for days. There were always occasions to recall the incident and to remind him what a disappointment he was to us.

“This time I looked at him and said: ‘Oh, Frank, you must feel awful to have to bring home such a note.’ He agreed sheepishly.

“In the past, I have written many letters apologizing for him. This time I merely stated that I had received the note, and was sure that Frank would do fine in the future. I read the note to my son.

“The following day I had a conference with the principal. When I told Frank about it, he said: ‘Oh, you didn’t have to see her. I’m doing better already.’

“My reaction to the note may not solve my son’s problem in school, but it has already improved our relationship at home.”

How things go wrong

In many homes, battles between parents and teenagers develop in a regular sequence. The teenager does or says something we dislike. We react with something insulting. He replies with something worse. We come back with threats or punishment. And the free-for-all is under way.

Floyd, age thirteen, entered the living room bouncing a basketball.

MOTHER: Get out of here with that. You’ll break something!

FLOYD: No, I won’t!

Just then the ball hit a lamp and sent it crashing to the floor.

MOTHER: For crying out loud, you never listen to anything I say. You had to break something, didn’t you? You are so stupid sometimes.

FLOYD: You broke the washing machine. What does that make you?

MOTHER: Floyd, you know better than to be rude.

FLOYD: You were rude first. You called me stupid.

MOTHER: I don’t want to hear another word from you. Go to your room this minute!

FLOYD: Quit trying to boss me around. I’m not a kid anymore.

MOTHER: To your room this instant!

FLOYD: Go ahead, make me.

At this direct challenge to her authority, mother grabbed her son and started shaking him. While attempting to escape, Floyd pushed his mother. She slipped and fell. Frightened, he ran out of the house and did not return until late in the evening.

A simple incident had swelled to serious proportions. Yet none of it, starting with the verbal fight, need have happened. Such incidents can be handled more wisely. What could mother have done? She might have said: “Please bounce the ball outside.” No further criticism was necessary. Or later, when the lamp was broken, mother could have helped her son dispose of the pieces. A low-keyed comment might have made Floyd feel sorry instead of defiant. If his mother had said, “I will miss that lamp,” and remained calm, he might have concluded for himself that a living room is, after all, not the place for playing ball. As a general rule, cutting comments create hostility. They do not bring about appropriate behavior.

A sense of proportion

A teenager needs to learn from his parents to distinguish between events that are merely unpleasant and annoying and those that are serious and tragic. A minor mishap should not be treated as a major catastrophe. A broken glass is not a broken arm. Spilling glue is not spilling blood. A lost sweater need not lead to a lost temper. A torn shirt does not call for an ugly scene.

Philip, age fourteen, accidentally spilled nails all over the floor. He sheepishly looked up at his father.

PHILIP: Gee, I’m so clumsy!

FATHER: That’s not what we say when nails spill.

PHILIP: What do you say?

FATHER: You say, the nails spilled – I’ll pick them up!

PHILIP: Just like that?

FATHER: Just like that.

PHILIP: Thanks, Dad.

Father bent down and helped Philip pick up a few nails. Philip looked at his father with sheer admiration. He will long remember the lesson in maturity demonstrated by his father: How to deal kindly and constructively with momentary mishaps. Would he have learned as much if his father had criticized him? Would he have become a better person had his father said: “Now look at what you’ve done! Can’t you be more careful? Must you always be in such a rush? Why is it that whatever you touch ends up on the floor?”

The Main Lesson

The following advice is offered without reservations:

Don’t attack personality.

Don’t criticize character traits.

Deal with the situation at hand.

Giving personal feedback is like performing surgery: It always hurts and at times it can be fatal. On rare occasions surgery may become necessary, but it is always a last resort, undertaken when there is no other choice. It requires careful preparation by both physician and patient. The doctor must be calm and stead, and the patient willing and ready.

The worst feedback is that which stamps the whole personality with a devastating adjective. Such a label is generally false, inevitably insulting, and always infuriating. As Tolstoy wrote:

One of the most widespread superstitions is that every man has his own special, definite qualities: That a man is kind, cruel, wise, stupid, energetic, apathetic, etc. Men are not like that… men are like rivers… every river narrows here, is more rapid there, here slower, there broader, now clear, now cold, now dull, now warm. It is the same with men. Every man carries in himself the germs of every human quality, and sometimes one manifests itself, sometimes another, and the man often becomes unlike himself, while still remaining the same man.

Chapter 5 – Anger without insult

The Sound of Fury

The English language has a rich supply of expressions to give vent to all nuances of anger: We can be uncomfortable, displeased, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, aggravated, dismayed, exasperated, provoked, chagrined, indignant, aghast, angry, mad, enraged, and furious. Anger colors our vision: We turn white with anger, and purple with rage. We see red. We cannot see straight. We go blind. We are livid with anger. Our eyes spit fire. Anger affects our whole bodies. We flush, we frown, we clench our fists. Our nostrils quiver, our ears tingle, and our blood boils. Our whole body shakes. We have a “conniption fit.” When angry, we become unlike ourselves: We fume, we smolder, we sizzle, we stew, we boil over, we flare up, we explode. We blow our top. We blow our stack. We fly off the handle. We hit the ceiling, and raise the roof. We breathe fire and fury. We rave and rant. We are full of consternation and we feel acrimonious.

Attitudes Toward Anger

Among the paradoxes of everyday life none is more surprising than our attitude toward anger. We have such a rich anger vocabulary. Yet we have such mixed feelings about anger. We cultivate it and celebrate it even as we mistrust it. We often dislike it in ourselves and disallow it in our children.

How can we help our children deal with inevitable anger? A group of parents discussed this question. They recalled their own childhood and related how their parents had reacted to turbulent emotions – to resentment, anger and hate.

A: My father simply forbade me to be angry. I can still hear him say, “Who gave you the right to be mad at your mother? Who do you think you are?”

B: My father was nicer. Whenever I was angry, he explained to me that I was not really angry. “You must be tired and upset. That’s why you were so unkind to your brother. Rest a little and you’ll feel better.”

C: My mother told me that there were two of me – an angel and a devil. Whenever I became angry she said, “It’s the devil in you that’s acting up.”

D: Whenever I said something mean my mother would say, “Nice children don’t talk like that. You must learn to rise above such feelings.” Then I felt even worse.

E: My mother suppressed any signs of anger. She hated harsh words and ugly scenes. I remember I once told my sister that I hated her. My mother almost fainted. She warned me never to use such words. “You asked for a sister,” she said, “and now that you have one, you must love her – always.” To this day, I still despise my sister.

F: When I was angry, my father used to make fun of me. “Temper, temper, temper,” he would say. It used to make me more furious. Then he would punish me. I spent many hours in my room, miserable, defiant, and wishing everyone were dead.

These recollections are sad. They tell of good intentions and lamentable results. There is a lesson in these stories. It is futile to address angry feelings with reasoning, explaining, denying, threatening, or moralizing. Angry feelings do not vanish when banished. Strong emotions, like turbulent rivers, cannot be reasoned with, or talked out of existence. Their force must be recognized and respected, and their fury diverted and channeled. To do otherwise is to court disaster.

Turning Anger into Action

Our anger has a purpose; it shows our concern. Failure to get angry at certain moments indicates indifference, not love. Those who love cannot avoid anger. This does not mean that our teenagers can withstand torrents of rage and floods of violence. It does mean that they can benefit from anger which says: “Enough is enough. There are limits to my tolerance.”

It is best not to be too patient with our teenagers. Instead of trying to hide our irritation, we can express it effectively.

How to be Angry

Instead of trying to suppress anger altogether, parents can express it in nondestructive ways. This expression should bring some relief to the parents, some insight to the teenager, and no harmful aftereffects to either of them. In expressing anger, we consciously need to avoid creating waves of resentment and revenge. We want to get our point across, and then let the storm subside.

To deal with times of stress, we should acknowledge these truths:

1. We accept the fact that in the natural course of events teenagers will make us uncomfortable, annoyed, irritated, even angry.
2. We are entitled to express our feelings, with one limitation. No matter how angry we are, we do not insult teenagers’ personalities and character.

There are certain concrete ways to deal with our anger. The first step in any annoying situation is to describe clearly how it affects us, adding nothing else.

When Gary , age fifteen, started clinking his fork on a plate, his mother said, “The noise makes me very uncomfortable.” Gary gave me several more clinks and stopped. This method was effective because mother did not tell her son what to do. She described her discomfort and took it for granted that he would respond. Compare this approach to a more prevalent one.

“What’s the matter with you? Don’t you have anything better to do? Can’t you sit still? Do you have to give me a headache? Stop it this minute, P-L-E-A-S-E!”

It must be added that teens cannot stop on a dime. It is necessary for them to go on with their misbehavior for a little while. It takes time to stop on one’s own accord. The following incident illustrates the point.

Fourteen-year-old Gideon was playing basketball near his home early one Sunday morning. The bouncing of the ball woke up his father. He said: “I wanted to sleep until ten o’clock today. The ball woke me up.” “I’m sorry,” said Gideon. He bounced the ball twice more and left. Father realized that the additional bouncing was a face-saving device. Gideon demonstrated to himself that he stopped of his own volition, not because of orders.

What if our teenager continues the annoying behavior? If our short protests and long faces have not brought relief then we express our feelings louder and stronger.

“It is annoying.”

“It makes me feel angry.”

The purpose of these statements is to alert the teen to our distress. They serve as a warning about the limits of our tolerance. More often than not, the mere statements of our irritation will bring results.

Sudden Anger

What if we are pushed beyond the brink of our endurance? What if our anger flares up suddenly and we are all-fired-up and ready to pounce. At such times:

Describe what you see.

Describe what you feel.

Described what needs to be done.

Do not attack the person.

Roland, age fifteen, took a bath. Later, mother found several white towels all crumpled on the wet floor. She was upset, and gave vent to her anger.

MOTHER: When I see good towels on a wet floor, I get mad! Towels do not belong on the floor! They belong on the rack.

Mother made her point loud and clear. She did not insult, nor did she attack her son’s personality and character. She did not say: “What are you – a slob? Your girl friend should only see the way you really are – messy and inconsiderate.” By foregoing the insults, mother was spared the humiliating task of apologizing and explaining: “I’m sorry I called you a slob. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“It Burns Me Up!”

Ginger, age sixteen, was frequently late to dinner. This time the meal was on the plate but she was still in her room. Father became frustrated and expressed it openly: “It burns me up when I call you for dinner and get no answer. I get so mad I fume inside. I say to myself, I cooked good meal. I deserve some appreciation, not aggravation.” Ginger came down in a hurry. The conversation at the dinner table flowed freely. No one felt crushed. Everyone enjoyed the meal.

“It Puts Me in an Embarrassing Position.”

Greg, age seventeen, asked his mother to make an appointment for him with the dentist. He did not keep it. When mother learned about it, she was upset. She said: “I am angry. When you ask me to make an appointment for you and don’t keep it, and don’t cancel it, it puts me in an embarrassing position.”

Greg apologized. He felt genuinely sorry that the appointment had slipped his mind. He himself called the dentist and rescheduled the appointment. This was the end of the incident. Mother felt relieved, Greg felt regretful. No one felt insulted or devastated. Communication between mother and son was not cut off.

“It Makes Me Feel Unpleasant.”

George, age fourteen, entertained friends in the living room. They left without cleaning up. When he returned, mother said: “When I see cards, soda bottles, and potato chips scattered all over the floor, it makes me feel unsettled inside. It actually makes me angry. The room needs to be cleaned up after playing.” “O.K., cool it, Mom. I got the message,” George responded, as he began to clean up the mess.

“I’m Tired of Your Acrimonious Attitudes” – will individuals know this?

Samuel, age thirteen, had been fighting with his older sister, hurling insults at her. Father walked into the room and said: “I’m tired of your relentless hostility and acrimonious attitudes.” Samuel and his sister looked at one another and burst into loud laughter. The fight was over.

“We’re So Furious; We’re All Upset!”

Josephine, age fifteen, promised to be home from the school dance before midnight. She returned at 2A.M. Her parents were frantic. They expressed their anger, concern, and disappointment in no uncertain terms. But they did not cut her to pieces. They did not call her names. They did not attack her personality. They did not insult her character. Here is a sample of their statements:

“We were worried to death when you didn’t show up on time.”

“You can’t imagine what crossed our minds.”

“We’re so furious; we’re all upset. When you promise to be home by midnight, we expect you at twelve o’clock. It’s unfair to put us in such a situation. When you see that you are going to be late – call us.”

“We have such mixed emotions now. We’re relieved that you are safe, but angry that you were so late.”

For further discussion of the problems of dating see Chapter 9.

Anger without Insult

To express anger without insult is not easy. It goes against natural inclinations and ingrained habits. But we must learn a new language that will enable us to give vent to anger without damaging those we love. Parents who have mastered the new language have gained greater control over themselves. They feel capable of expressing their angry emotion effectively and helpfully. The following examples illustrate the constructive use of anger by parents.

“There Will Be No Charging in Department Stores without Permission.”

This incident was reported by a mother after an angry confrontation with her teenage daughter:

“Anger without insult is a most helpful concept. It defines my role as a mature adult. It also saves time and temper. I came to the conclusion that there is simply not enough time in life to indulge ourselves in hostile comments. It takes too much time to undo the damage and too much energy to work through the guilt. In dealing with difficult situations, I give myself inner directions: ‘What is the main message? Say it directly! Make clear what must be done. Don’t confuse the issues.’

“Here is an example: I walked into the house Sunday night after having been away for the weekend. My fifteen-year-old, Gloria, pounced on me: ‘Mother! Wait until you see the dress I bought. It’s so gorgeous! I charged it to your account.’ Sparks electrified my brain. My mind was flooded with thought like “You have one helluva nerve!’, ‘Where do you get the gall!’, and ‘Who do you think you are!’ But I said, ‘There will be no more charging in department stores without permission!’”

GLORIA ( defensively ): But I didn’t steal it – what are you so mad about?

MOTHER ( focusing on main message ): There is to be no charging in department stores without permission!

“I went into my bedroom and closed the door. I needed time to figure our how to tell her that she couldn’t keep that ‘frilly lavender thing’ that she had displayed and was about to try on. It was a mini-length ruffled horror, with a plum velvet sash, that looked like a masquerade costume. She planned to wear it to school. Gloria knocked on the door saying: ‘Please open up! Wait till you see it on me. It fits perfectly and I look so feminine and romantic.’

“I opened the door and ‘that color’ hit me. I was tired and irritated but I also knew that she had been waiting for me since Saturday and there was no putting it off.

“Again I clung to my motivation and skills. The action at hand was to return the dress without threatening her sense of taste. I remarked: ‘I can see why you’re so taken with the dress but it’s inappropriate for school, and too expensive.’ ‘But isn’t the color gorgeous?’ she said. I felt as if a vise had closed in around me. I swallowed once and took a stab at honesty. ‘Some people like that color,’ I said. ‘It’s not one of my favorites.’ ‘Why!’ she attacked, ‘you love that color.’ ‘It’s not one of my favorite colors for clothes, but I do like to use it in my paintings,’ I replied.

“At this point she was ready for a philosophical argument, but I kept it to the main point. ‘I can see how much you love that dress. It’s not going to be easy for you to return it. Could you do it tomorrow afternoon?’ ‘No, I’ll have to do it in the evening,’ she said slowly, and left the room, after bidding me good night.”

“It Makes Me Uncomfortable.”

This episode was told by a mother of a sixteen-year-old girl.

“My daughter often tends to ‘put me on.’ She refers in a kidding way to things that annoy me. After one such remark I said, ‘That kind of talk makes me uncomfortable.’ The next time she started to say something in that vein, she stopped and said, ‘I forgot, Mommy doesn’t like that.”

“There is No Place for Retaliation in Our House.”

Roy , age fifteen, pushed the mattress off his brother’s bed in retaliation for an insult. Father intervened. In a stern voice he said: “There is no place for acts of retaliation in our home. It is against our cherished values.” The boys looked at their father in disbelief. This was the end of what could have become an endless argument.

A Letter to Express Feelings

Some parents find it helpful to put their feelings in writing. The following letter is and example of effective communication of irritations and expectations.

Dear Thelma,

I am writing to you because I want to be clear without creating an argument. This morning I was looking forward to sleeping late. This was the one morning this week I had the opportunity. I have always felt proud that my children are capable of getting off to school without needing supervision. This morning was not an example of behavior I appreciate.

Please respond in writing.

Love,

Mom

Learning Better Ways

It is not easy to change one’s habitual mode of expressing feelings. The logic of respectful communication is not autocratic, the words come reluctantly. New ways involve struggle, effort and determination. Here is how a mother described the stages in her process of change:

1. You insult your child. You think about it and it bothers you.
2. You hear yourself again making cutting comments. You listen helplessly as the words come out of you.
3. You know you are about to make an insulting remark. Still, you are unable to stop yourself. Real irritation with self sets in. You make a firm mental note to improve.
4. An annoying situation arises again. You can’t use the old way. You still don’t know how to use the new way. Something feeble and peculiar comes out of you.
5. You feel annoyed with yourself, and you review the situation again. You say to yourself, “I should have said…” You review it several times.
6. Now you are almost eager for a crisis to come so that you can use your new approach. You get your chance soon enough. This time you are prepared. Though the language is new, the tone is right. Everyone is surprised. But the method is not quite part of you yet.
7. You begin to express all nuances of anger with assurance and authority, without insult or attack. This new approach is becoming part of your personality. You play it like a musician.
8. Joy, oh joy, the children reflect your behavior and your words.
9. Alas, you are only human. You make mistakes. Only part of the time you have the energy to use this approach. With all your skill and good will, there are still those painful moments when nothing works, when you feel helpless and discouraged.
10. You recover. You continue to experiment and to learn. You say to yourself: “No method is perfect, but it’s the best I’ve got.”

For helpful ideas for dealing with anger, see Anger Kills, written by Redford Williams.

Chapter 6 – Praise: a new approach

Praise is not flattery. Flattery is insincere and expedient. Praise is a sincere, positive evaluation of a person, or an act. Yet certain kinds of sincere praise may bring results opposite to those expected. It may cause discomfort, anxiety, guilt, and misbehavior. How do teenagers react to praise such as the following?

“You are so smart.”

“You have done a wonderful job.”

“You are a great musician.”

Not with joy. A common response is derogation and denial.

“I’m not really all that.”

“I don’t think it’s that good.”

“Well, I do the best I can.”

“I really can’t take the credit for it.”

“It was luck, more than anything else.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

These statements do not reflect confidence or comfort. On the contrary, they sound defensive, as though praise were a bitter pill that is hard to swallow. Tell a girl she is pretty, and she blushes. Tell a boy he is good, and he denies it. Praise a teenager for his project, and he is quick to point out its defects. In short, this kind of praise seems to engender ill feelings. Apparently it is not easy to cope with praise.

Why do teenagers react to praise so defensively? Praise is an evaluation. And evaluation is uncomfortable. The evaluator sits in judgment, and the judged are anxious.

Appreciate the Effort Rather than Evaluate the Person

Edna’s mother was in the hospital seriously sick. Edna, age twelve, made a get-well card for mother. It had on it an aspirin, a penny, and a rose petal, all neatly taped. The inscription read: “I wish you health. I wish you wealth. I wish you happiness.” Mother was touched by her daughter’s thoughtfulness. She said: “You are so considerate. You are always so thoughtful. You are such a good girl.”

Edna grew pale, ran into the bathroom and started crying. Mother immediately suspected some relation between the praise and the reaction. Why should sincere praise make her daughter ill?

When mother praised her daughter so effusively, Edna felt guilty. She knew she was not always considerate, perfectly thoughtful or unfailingly good. She knew she was sometimes selfish, often resentful, and always imperfect. The bold praise made Edna feel guilty and inadequate rather than pleased and peaceful.

What could mother have said when she received the card? Something about the card, not about the child. For example:

Thank you so much. I like the card. It’s so pretty and witty. “I wish you health, I wish you wealth, I wish you happiness.” It’s lovely. I feel better already.

Edna would have been delighted.

Praise the Poem not the Poet

Emily, age thirteen, wrote a poem.

TEACHER: You are a good poet, Emily.

EMILY: I wish I were, but I know that I’m not.

TEACHER: Why do you say that? You are great!

EMILY: An Emily Dickinson I’m not and I’ll never be.

TEACHER: Well, but you are good for your age.

EMILY: Unfortunately.

The teacher wondered why her honest praise met with such resistance and pessimism.

It is frightening to a young girl to be told: “You are a great poet.” It throws her into competition with all great poets – the living and the dead. She may quickly conclude: “I can never write lyrics like Longfellow, or Frost, or Byron, or Shelley, or Keats. I could never write “Sonnets from the Portuguese,” like E. B. Browning, or “Leaves of Grass,” like Whitman.

Advice for Emily’s teacher: Praise the poem, not the poet.

When Elliott, age thirteen, wrote a breezy spring poem, his teacher said:

“I like your poem, Elliot. When I read your lines: ‘On a spring morning, joy giggles in my heart,’ I felt joy giggling in my own heart.

Elliot was delighted. He beamed and bubbled. He talked about his future aspirations and left gratified and encouraged. The teacher did not call Elliot “great” or “wonderful.” But she made him feel so. She did not praise him. Instead, she showed appreciation for his poem. She quoted his lines and talked of their impact on her, thus making her praise credible. Her message was potent: “It was not Frost or Byron or any other poet that made me giggle with joy. It was you.” Elliot may have concluded: “My poetry can make people feel happy, or sad, or longing.” This is enough motivation to keep on writing.

Praise: Constructive and Destructive

Praise can be destructive. “You are always so good.” “You are so generous.” “You are the most thoughtful person I know.” Such praise creates anxiety. It puts one under an obligation to live up to the impossible. No one can always be good, generous, and considerate. It is not human.

An eighteen-year-old college applicant listed his personal strengths as follows: “Sometimes I am alert, brave, clever, diligent, efficient, friendly, gracious, helpful, jolly, kind, loyal, masterful, neat, obedient, polite, resourceful, sober, trustworthy, useful, vigilant, wholesome, and zestful.” Where the application form said, “List your personal weaknesses,” he wrote:

“Sometimes I am not all that.”

Praise that evaluates personality or character builds pressure and feels unsafe. Praise that describes efforts, accomplishments, and feelings is both helpful and safe.

Eric, age sixteen, did a big job cleaning up the yard. He mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, and sprayed the trees. His father was impressed and praised him effectively. He looked over the yard and described it.

FATHER: The yard looks like a garden.

ERIC: It does?

FATHER: It’s a pleasure to look at it.

ERIC: It’s nice.

FATHER: What a job. In one day you cleaned it all up! Thank you.

ERIC: Anytime, Dad.

Father did not praise Eric’s personality. Neither did he evaluate his character. In fact, he said nothing about him as a person. He only described the yard and his feelings of pleasure. Eric, himself, put two and two together and concluded: “I’ve done a good job. Father is pleased.” He felt motivated enough to offer his services as a gardener.

Don’t Use Attack in Sheep’s Clothing

Says Todd, “My father is tricky. He uses psychology on me. Whenever he wants to give me hell, he builds me up first. He hands me a psychological sandwich: Two pieces of praise with blame in between. ‘You are doing so well in all subjects, but you failed Spanish. There is no excuse for it. And, I won’t stand for it. Keep up the good work, Son. You know I’m proud of you.’”

Many teenagers have become so conditioned that whenever they are praised they automatically anticipate shock. Contrary to accepted practice, it is best not to mix criticism with praise. It is easier and less confusing to cope with honest praise, or corrective feedback, than with a dishonest mixture of them.

Praise and Self-image

Descriptive recognition (as opposed to evaluative praise) is likely to lead to a realistic self-image. Effective praise has two parts: Our words and the teenager’s conclusions. In a true sense, praise is what he says to himself, after we have spoken. Our words should describe clearly what we like and appreciate about their work, efforts, achievement, consideration, or creation. We describe the specific event and our specific feelings. Teens draw general conclusions about their personalities and character. When our statements are realistic and sympathetic, their inferences are positive and constructive. Examples:

(Unhelpful praise [evaluative]: You are so wonderful. You are such a good car washer. I don’t know what I would do without your help.)

Helpful praise (descriptive) : Thank you for washing the car. It looks like new again.

Possible inference : I did a good job. I’m capable. Father is pleased.

(Unhelpful praise: You are always so considerate.)

Helpful praise : Thank you for the birthday card. I could not stop laughing, it was so funny.

Possible inference : I chose well. I can rely on my choices. I have good taste.

(Unhelpful praise: I can always rely on your thoughtfulness. You are a wonderful girl.)

Helpful praise : I appreciate greatly your babysitting. It saved my day. Thank you so much.

Possible inference : I can be helpful. My efforts are appreciated. I’m nice, sometimes.

(Unhelpful praise: You are always so honest.)

Helpful praise : Thank you for finding my wallet. I appreciate it very much. It saved my day.

Possible inference : My honesty is appreciated. I’m glad I made the effort.

(Unhelpful praise: You are a great carpenter.)

Helpful praise : I like the bookcase you made. It’s both useful and smart-looking.

Possible inference : I have done a good job. I’m capable.

(Unhelpful praise: Gee, you’re a terrific decorator!)

Helpful praise : I like the way your room is arranged. Everything seems to fit just right.

Possible inference : I have good taste.

(Unhelpful praise: You are a good writer. Of course, your spelling needs improvement.)

Helpful praise : I like your essay. It gave me several new ideas.

Possible inference : I can be original.

(Unhelpful praise: You are a fabulous poet.)

Helpful praise : Your poem made me feel young again. It’s so vigorous and full of life.

Possible inference : My lyrics have an impact. I have talent.

(Unhelpful praise: You are wonderful dishwasher.)

Helpful praise : I appreciate your washing the dishes tonight. There were so many of them and I was so exhausted.

Possible inference : I can be helpful. I’m appreciated.

(Unhelpful praise: You are a great singer.)

Helpful praise : Your singing made me want to get up and dance. I could hardly sit in my chair.

Possible inference : I have an effect on people. My singing touches the heart. I have something to contribute.

Our descriptive praise and the teenagers’ positive inferences are building blocks of mental health. From our messages they conclude: “I am liked. I am appreciated. I am respected. I am capable.” These conclusions they may restate silently to themselves again and again. Such silent statements, repeated inwardly, determine largely people’s pictures of themselves and of the world around them.

Chapter 7 – In our children’s eyes

The Limits of Logic

As parents we ponder about life. We think and conceptualize; we argue and reason, relying on facts and logic. In many settings these maybe effective tools to cope with life. With our own children, however, these tools fail. In family relations logic has limitations: It does not warm the heart. It is cold and sterile. Teenagers contest our conclusions. They reject our notions of success: and seek their own rewards: The acceptance of peers, the trust of friends, the affection of the opposite sex.

There is no way to win a war with our own children. Time and energy are on their side. Even if we mobilize and win a battle, they can strike back with awesome vengeance. They can become defiant and delinquent, or passive and neurotic. They have the key element: power to make choices. If enraged enough, a teenage boy can steal a car and a teenage girl can get pregnant. They can worry us to death or put us to public shame.

This situation is illustrated by Elia Kazan in his novel, The Arrangement.

The only trouble in an otherwise idyllic prospect was Finnegan’s son. He was a falling-down drunk, determined… to do everything possible to blemish his father’s public image… At one point Finnegan had disowned him, settling on him a sum of money which was to be the last ever. The boy used the money to have an expose of his father privately printed… which the son gave away free to anyone and everyone. (p. 246)

Like Finnegan, all parents are vulnerable. They cannot win by attacking. There is only one way in which parents can win: By winning their children over to sensible ways. This task may seem impossible, but it is not beyond our capacity. Where do we start? The Hebrew sages said: “The beginning of wisdom is silence; the second stage is listening.” The following statements were made by teenagers. Let us listen to them.

“A brute intellect.”

Says eighteen-year-old Harriet:

“My father prides himself on being an intellectual. He thinks and theorizes, with relentless rationality. He sees all sides of every issue, and tries to be impartial. Yet, I often feel furious with him, and all mixed up. My father is not a bad person. He is fair and not too stingy. But he has a brute intellect. His mind is a hard hammer, and his logic is like sharp nails. If I make a comment or ask a question, he puts me through torture. He wants to test my logic. He follows every turn in my train of thought, and then demonstrates that I am on the wrong track. I wish he were less clever and more human! I wish he could do something on impulse. I can’t imagine him stopping by the roadside to pick a flower, to take a walk, or to watch a sunset.”

“I refuse to be like my father.”

In a letter to a friend, seventeen-year-old Harold wrote:

“When I look at adults, I see greed and ambition. My parents are rich. My father owns nearly everything. Our house is filled with electronic gadgets. Is my father happy? No. He is miserable. He is overworked and worn out. He is pressed by time and taxes. He is tormented by headaches and doubts. He has climbed the ladder of success, only to find that it leads nowhere – except to more climbing. Now he is panicky. He has fits of depression and his age is showing. At his pinnacle of prominence, he is a bent and spent old man. I refuse to be like my father. I do not want to amass fortunes, or pile up possessions.

“I feel sorry for my parents”

Says eighteen-year-old Stuart:

“I feel sorry for my parents. They have wasted their lives dreaming security. My father does not live life, he calculates it. He adds and subtracts and invests desperately. He is full of facts and figures – a regular IBM computer. My mother too shares his search for gold. But she is disillusioned and bitter. Deep inside herself she knows how little they have lived.”

“I am becoming cynical.”

Says seventeen-year-old Michelle:

“I take life seriously. I want to live ethically. But I am becoming cynical. I have discovered that hypocrisy is institutionalized. It is expected at home, in school, and in society. My father is very ethical in personal relations, but he is almost a crook in business. Mother is a liberal in politics, but she prays and hopes that no poor people move into our neighborhood. Our school teaches equality, yet the faculty is all white, and the classes are only tokenly integrated.”

“He tries to fit life into a formula.”

Says Howard, age sixteen:

“My mother knows a good deal about science, but very little about human beings. She is a chemist, and tries to fit life into a formula. Se has a great need for order and control. So she is always frustrated. Life is just too disorderly for her. She never feels free. She controls her feelings, she controls her employees, she controls our home, and she is trying to control me. She has not tolerance for people. She herself is not altogether human. She is more like a controlled experiment. She says he loves me. I don’t feel it. She says he wants the best for me. How can she? She does not even know me.

“My father’s dream.”

Says Nicole, age seventeen:

“In my father’s mind there is a picture of an ideal daughter. When he compares her to me, he is deeply disappointed. I don’t live up to my father’s dream. Since early childhood, I sensed his disappointment. He tried to hide it, but it came out in a hundred little ways – in his tone, in his words, in his silence. He tried hard to make me a carbon copy of his dream. When he failed, he gave me up. But he left a deep scar, a permanent feeling of failure.”

“I’m her only interest in life.”

Says fifteen-year-old Monroe :

“My mother is determined to make me happy, even if it kills her. I’m her only interest in life. My health, my homework, and my social life are her major concerns. Mother works hard; she never stops doing all kinds of unnecessary things for me. She runs errands for me. When I get sick, she becomes hysterical. Our home turns into a drug store full of antibiotics and chicken soup. In sickness and in health, she watches over me like a hawk.”

“The original Mrs. Clean.”

Says Ralph, age seventeen:

“My mother is the original Mrs. Clean. She is nuts about neatness – a regular sanitation bug. You take bite of a snack, and she starts sweeping crumbs. Our house is not a home, it’s a booby trap. You cannot take a step without some kind of explosion. Every litter bit hurts her, and she screams continuously. I tell her: “Look, Mom, life is for living, not just for cleaning.’ ‘You want to live in a pigsty,’ she answers as she bends to pick up some crumbs from the carpet. I feel sorry for her. Her life is so spotless and frantic.”

Chapter 8 – Social life: freedom and limits

It is a credit to our teenagers that many reject phony popularity. Our values should support faith in one’s own feelings, and the courage to stand alone when necessary. Our teenagers will need such courage to go against the crowd in refusing a drink, declining a smoke, avoid reckless driving, and in making decisions about sexuality. Their life and safety may at times depend on their ability to be unpopular and resist parroting some precocious peers. Our message to our children should be: “We value integrity more than popularity. We put personal decency above social success.”

Janet, age thirteen, gave a slumber party to which she invited ten girls. She was informed that many of them would not attend if one of her friends came to the party. Distressed and in conflict, Janet was ready to yield. But her parents objected. They made it clear that a friend is not to be discarded because of pressure. Father said: “In our home, loyalty to a friend takes precedence over popularity.”

A dramatic stand on values makes a strong impact on our teenagers. Even if they don’t like our words, they respect our strength and value our integrity. They derive pride and dignity from our insistence on courage and fairness.

The Case Against Early Dating

Teenagers are often pushed into dating by parents who want them to be popular. They allow paired parties for twelve-year-olds, padded bras for eleven-year-olds, and going steady for an ever younger age.

Teenagers should not be rushed toward adulthood. They should be allowed to continue for a while longer to prefer baseball to parties, reading to dancing, and fishing to dating. Paired parties and dating are a burden to many boys and girls. Many youngsters would not choose them voluntarily. The shy, the sensitive, and the late-bloomer can be hurt before they have the time to blossom naturally. As comedian Woody Allen said: “Since infancy I felt like a failure. Even in nursery school I failed milk.”

The following statements are examples of undesirable pressure:

Father to son:

“You are almost fifteen, but when I see your comic books, I think you are only ten. Other boys your age are already going out with girls.”

A fifteen-year-old girl wrote to a magazine columnist:

“My mother keeps after me about boys. She arranges parties and dates for me with the sons of her friends. I find it boring. What I really love is horseback riding. (I have won three ribbons in jumping.) When I tell it to my mother she gets upset and cries. I then feel that there is something wrong with me.”

Says fourteen-year-old Fern:

“I would rather spend the evening reading than going to a silly party. But my mother keeps telling me that she does not want books to interfere with my social life.”

Says fifteen-year-old Marilyn:

“I would rather spend an evening with my girl friends than with a boy I do not like. But my parents push me into dating. They think I don’t go out enough. They are angry when I turn down a date.

Junior High: Sensible Programs and Timetables

Many parents have become alarmed by the premature social and sexual activities of their children: The ballroom dancing, the party clubs, the formal wear, and the steady dating. In many communities, parents and teachers have been meeting to discuss sensible programs and suitable timetables for teenage activities. The intent is to reverse the trend, to avoid rushed sexual awakening, and to allow boy-girl interest to develop at a natural pace. Supervised group activities may be more appropriate than dating and romance at this age.

Senior High: Autonomy and Guidance

In senior high school, a teenager feels grown-up. He is nearing independence, and resents limits on his autonomy. Yet adults cannot relinquish their guidance. At this age, teenagers are in danger of over-crowding their social life to the detriment of academic achievements. Conflict with parents and teachers are almost inevitable. The following statements by parents of senior high school students illustrate some typical conflicts and attempted helpful solutions:

“We allow our fifteen-year-old to date, but we insist on meeting her boy friends and on knowing where they are going. Our daughter knows that we expect her home by eleven o’clock. She may not like these restrictions, but we believe they help her feel protected.”

“My sixteen-year-old daughter questioned the midnight curfew. She said: ‘One can get into trouble at any hour.’ My husband answered, ‘I hope you will make good decisions at any hour. Midnight is a reasonable hour to be home.’”

“Our daughter leaves us a note before going out on a date. She tells us where she can be reached in case of emergency. This solved a painful situation. She used to resent our prying. The note is a face saving device.”

“My daughter calls when she is late on a date. I once said to her: ‘Let me also have a good time instead of a worried time when you are out. When you are going to be late, call.’ I think she does not mind knowing that we care for her. Her curfew varies with the occasion. We treat her with respect. She responds in kind.”

“I discovered that my daughter has been dating for status. She ignored her own feelings, in order to be seen with a VIP: a baseball star, a class president, a sports car owner. I had a long talk with her about the ethics of dating. I said: ‘A Date is not a decoration. It is a human relationship.’ My daughter listened with surprise. I hope she got the point.”

“My sixteen-year-old daughter wanted to ditch a date. She asked me to cover for her. She said, ‘If Irving calls, tell him that I’m sick.’ I refused. I said, ‘I feel it is unfair to stand up anyone without an explanation or an apology.’ ‘I want to go to the beach and Irving doesn’t have a car,’ she answered defensively. ‘You wish you had a date with someone who has a car.’ ‘Yes,’ she said. The she added, ‘I guess I’d better call him and cancel our date.’”

“I asked my seventeen-year-old daughter, who is going steady, ‘How are you going to know if there is someone else you would like even more?’ She admitted that she was bored with her boyfriend, but was scared to give him up. I answered, ‘It’s not easy to make such a decision. It’s scary to face a dateless weekend.’ ‘Yes,’ said my daughter with obvious relief. ‘It’s not easy but I’ll have to do it.’”

“My eighteen-year-old daughter said to me, ‘This time I know I’m in love. When I see Jim, my heart pounds and my knees tremble. I just look at him, and I melt. We don’t even have to talk.’ I was tempted to say, ‘You had better start talking,’ but I controlled myself. She is so thrilled with his presence that she is not using to courtship to get to know him. They don’t converse. They just smooch. They need to communicate more than in kisses. She knows so little about him. Does he love children? Does he have a temper? How does he stand up under stress? He is charming when things go right. How does he measure up when things go wrong? I am waiting for an appropriate moment to have an intimate conversation with my daughter. Right not she is too high in the clouds to listen.”

“My seventeen-year-old is dating a football hero. ‘I love him,’ she says, ‘and it’s not blind love.’ But her vision isn’t twenty-twenty, either. She has never taken a good look at him. She does not see the man because of the halo. He has nothing to show but his muscles. What will he do when the football season is over – read his scrapbook? It is so hard to keep quiet when you fear that your daughter is making a mistake. But I know too well that my direct intervention will only push them into each other’s arms. I invite her to tell me all about their time together. My hope is that her inherently good taste will prevail.”

Ira, age sixteen, informed his father that he no longer wished to belong to his synagogue. He felt it was too restrictive and too demanding. His father answered, “I know it’s not easy to keep commandments. It certainly makes life more difficult for you. But this is part of our heritage and I expect you to observe it.” Ira replied: “When I grow up and leave home, I am going to do as I please.” Father answered, “I should hope that even then you would consider the tradition observed by your parents, grandparents, and countless generations before them.” Ira’s father upheld the family tradition without attacking his son’s dignity. He acknowledged his son’s desire, sympathized with his difficulties, but insisted on values. He knew full well that he could not control his son’s behavior outside the home. Nevertheless, he stated his expectations clearly and without insult. Eventually Ira will have to reevaluate his standards, cope with his conscience, and arrive at his own decision. By setting limits, Ira’s father set in motion a process conducive to growth and maturity.

Our Responsibility: Setting Standards and Upholding Limits while Respecting Feelings

As adults our responsibility is to set standards and demonstrate values. Our teenagers need to know what we respect and what we expect. Of course, they will oppose our standards, resist our rules, and test our limits. This is as it should be. No one can mature by blindly obeying their parents. Our teenagers’ resentment of the rules is anticipated and tolerated. They are not expected to like our prohibitions.

There is a crucial difference between the old way of imposing restrictions and the new way of setting limits. In the past the teenager’s feelings were often ignored. The restrictions were set amidst anger and argument and in a language that invited resistance. In the modern approach, limits are set in a manner that preserves our teenager’s self-respect. The limits are neither arbitrary nor capricious. They are anchored in values and aimed at character-building.The distinction between feelings and acts is the cornerstone of the new approach to teenagers. We are permissive when dealing with feelings and wishes. We are strict when dealing with unacceptable behavior. We respect our teenagers’ opinions and attitudes, we do not belittle their dreams and desires, but we reserve the right to stop or redirect some of their acts. As adults we are not our teenagers’ pals or playmates. We are their friendly guardians, concerned enough and strong enough to endure their temporary animosity when we must uphold standards and values that protect them and society.

Chapter 9 – Teenage sex and human values

A Discussion on Sex: Six Parents – Six Different Views

A group of mothers deeply worried about their teenagers met to discuss a common concern. The subject was sex. The discussion illustrates how differently six persons from on community feel about this issue.

A: I come from a strict and old-fashioned family. Sex was never discussed in our home. Love was something spiritual and private. I dreamt of romance but I never talked about it with my parents. I find it terribly upsetting when my daughter asks me questions about sex.

B: I have the same problem. Whenever my teenager asks me anything about sex, my face turns crimson. I freeze. I stutter. Despite all my efforts, I feel embarrassed. My son laughed at me when I once said that two rabbits got married. I couldn’t bring myself to say they mated.

C: Sex has always been a puzzle to me. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. My mother used to say that “All men are alike. They want only on thing.” I was taught that sex was ugly. I don’t want my son and daughter to feel that way.

D: In the old days, self-control was a virtue. Now it is a vice. “Chaste make waste,” says my nineteen-year-old daughter, “Chastity has no more value than malnutrition.” My college sophomore believes that it is all right to have sex, provided there is mutual love. Her older brother, a college senior, is more “advanced.” He believes that it is all right to have sex without love, as long as there is mutual enjoyment. “Sex with love is fine,” he explained, “but sex without love is better than nothing.”

E: I am a liberal mother. I do not believe that virtue depends on abstinence. But I am concerned about my beautiful daughter. I don’t want her to be exploited. I don’t want this flower to end up in a fool’s buttonhole.

A: I have tried to keep my daughter away from boys. I have told her true stories, about what can happen to young girls. I wanted her to be safe. I’m afraid I have succeeded too much. My seventeen-year-old is so naïve, I wish she were more sophisticated and world-wise.

E: You daughter could use some “bad” influence and some sex education. Morality depends on knowledge, not ignorance. I think teenagers should know about sexual matters, about lovemaking, conception, and contraception.

B: It’s not easy to change old attitudes. Despite all intellectual education I’m a prude. I wish I weren’t but I am. All this talk about sexual liberation and meaningful relationships means only one thing to me: premarital sex. I can’t sanction it. I still believe it is a sin.

D: I’m concerned with the welfare of my daughter. If she were mature, I would not worry about her behavior. But she is not. There is a terrible gap between her sexual wants and her emotional maturity. Only time can bridge this gap. What do I do till then?

E: It’s time to stop teaching old prejudices about sex. Teenagers fall in love and make love. There is little we can do about it, except to instruct them in the safe use of contraception.

C: Many young people don’t want to use contraception. They prefer to live dangerously. They feel invulnerable. They play Russian roulette with their young lives.

E: I am tired of the double standard. If women are to be really free, sex education and birth control must be accepted openly. For me, the issue is not “chastity versus loss of virginity,” but “responsible love versus promiscuity.”

A: Sexual freedom is fine, but not for my daughter. All I can see is that it will lead to superficial infatuations, erotic involvements, and heartbreak. It may be good for boys, but not for girls. “The bee may fly from flower to flower, but the flower must never go from bee to bee.”

F: When I was young I pasted on my bathroom mirror Hemingway’s ethical manifesto: “What’s moral is what you feel good after. What’s immoral is what you feel bad after.” I made love without guilt or remorse. I was determined to be free of culturally induced complications. I was not indifferent to my parents’ feelings but I wanted to be independent of their moral judgments. But now I am a mother of a teenage daughter. And I am confused. Intellectually, I can accept the idea that she will have sex before marriage. But I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want her to consult me or to share with me, and of course, I don’t want her to get pregnant.

C: If I live through this week, I am immortal. I’ll never die. Three days ago I found my daughter all curled up in bed crying like a baby. She thought she had contracted a sexually transmitted disease. My sweet, beautiful Linda, the apple of her father’s eye. My first impulse was to kill her and butcher the boy. But an inner voice warned me: Don’t attack. Be helpful! When things go wrong, do something right. I said, “We don’t know for sure that you are infected. A doctor can tell us.” Today we found out that Linda had not been infected. We were relieved of a nightmare. But we had paid a terrible price in anxiety, fear, and shame.

D: It’s obvious that the fear of venereal disease and of pregnancy does not stop young people from sex. Therefore, we must show them how to handle their sexuality. We must provide them with knowledge and protection. We cannot put a dam on the flow of life but we can teach how to swim in turbulent waters.

A Conflict of Values

This discussion reflects a deep conflict of values. Some parents feel that the time has come to accept the new reality. They are worried about sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and ruined reputations. They hope to avoid these dangers through candid sex education. Some of them would supply their older teenagers with information and contraception.

Other parents reject these measures, indignantly. They fear that such liberty will encourage license. They feel that society cannot sanction teenage sex because early erotic awakening may endanger civilization. As one father put it: “The main task of youth is to study and to acquire knowledge. To accomplish this task it is best to keep the ‘lid on the id.’” Some parents find even discussion of sex repugnant and in bad taste. Another father said: “Sex may have gone as public as AT&T but I want not share in it.” Some parents fear that sex talk will stimulate sex acts, even when the goal is self-control. These parents believe strongly that even in this era of changing mores appropriate parental models can assure desirable teenage conduct. As one parent put it: “Only when we adults set a decent example and demand decent behavior will children become the kind of people we want them to be.” The question is: How can teenagers maintain desirable standards in a society that is frankly sex-oriented?

A Public Paradox

In matters of sex, attitudes speak louder than words. What is our society’s true attitude toward sex? What is our conception of high morality? We have models of wealth and ideals of heroism. We know what is great in art and who excels in science. But as a society, we lack models of moral excellence.

Thoughtful teenagers are puzzled by a prevalent public paradox. On the one hand, our society is sex-obsessed and money-motivated. For fun and profit, sex is smeared on screens, blown up on billboards, and used for commercial enticement. On the other hand, society says it believes in premarital abstinence. This situation creates conflict and tension.

The Tumbling Taboos

The temper of our time is candor and freedom. Sex is not longer a forbidden subject. It is taught in school and discussed at home. Even in church, morality is reevaluated in light of reality. And in reality, sex has always been popular.

Why Sex Education?

Teenagers are eager to learn all they can about sex. They are bothered and perplexed and want realistic and personal answers. When offered and opportunity to discuss sex seriously, teenagers talk freely and sensibly. They look for standards and meaning. They want to come to terms with their sexuality, and to integrate it into their total personality.

Should sex education be offered to teenagers? This question comes too late. Sex is already being “taught” – on screen, in the school yard, and in the streets. In words and pictures, our children are exposed to sex that is often sordid and vulgar. Our streets are a ceaseless source of misinformation. Smut sellers never hesitate to share sex. Peers gladly tell of experiences, real and imagined. It is the parent and teacher who often fear to share intimate information.

Says sixteen-year-old Selma :

“I can’t ask my mother anything about sex. It I do, she starts wondering why I asked the question. ‘What do you want to know for?’ she insists, ‘unless…’”

Says fourteen-year-old Juliet:

“My mother believes that ignorance assures innocence. She gets mad when I ask her anything about sex. She says, ‘Your husband will teach you all you have to know.”

Says fifteen-year-old Joshua:

“My father always blows his horn about being frank and truthful. But his honesty stops where sex begins. This is one area where my candor is not welcomed.

Nineteen-year-old Natalie, a college sophomore says:

“My parents and I live by the grace of an unspoken code: ‘No deep questions, no real answers.’ They really don’t want to know what goes on. And I can’t tell them. I am, so to speak, a good girl with conventional morals. I like to date. The first few meetings are pleasant. Then comes pressure. You’re invited to parties with liquor and drugs. It’s taken for granted that you’ll go to bed. As they say, ‘If you do, the world smiles with you. If you don’t, you’ll cry alone.’ So, I’m full of integrity and tears.

Twenty-year-old Jonathan accepts this cynical situation. He says:

“For college boys, sex is a symbol of maturity and masculinity. For girls, it’s a safeguard against unpopularity and loneliness.”

The preceding discussion indicates that sex education is now needed to serve as an antidote to sex propaganda. Society can no longer passively permit the street and the screen to set its sex standards.

Information and values

Sex education has two parts: information and values. Values are best learned at home. Information can best be given by experts. What should a parent do when a teen asks for sexual information? Within the limits of knowledge and comfort, answers should be provided. Other questions are best referred to experts. Information imparted with objectivity and honesty may decrease hostility and increase trust between the generations.

All of us should affirm that, honesty and responsibility pertain to all human relations. All situations, simple or complex, social or sexual, require individual integrity.

It is a girl’s task not to allow herself to be used as a tool. It is a boy’s obligation not to use a girl as an object. Both boys and girls need to know that not all is fair in love and sex. It is unfair for a girl to tease and provoke a boy. It is unfair for a boy to place the whole burden of decisions on the girl. In the old pattern, a boy tried to go as far as the girl would let him, without questioning her readiness or his responsibility. Young people need to be taught to face such issues honestly. Open discussions about mutual responsibility can enhance our teenagers’ capacity to make wise decision about love and life.

Chapter 10 – To learn, to grow, to change

This chapter consists of vignettes about parents and teenagers and their ways of coping with each other. It presents a series of short stories of their efforts to coexist and relate. It tells of their separate struggles for self-respect and of their mutual trials to live in less discord. It demonstrates the ability of both teenagers and parents, to grow, to change.

A Loud Lesson in Hate

Nana, age seventeen, was window shopping. Her eyes were glued to an expensive coat. A harsh voice was heard: “You have enough clothes to open your own store. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know. Your father works hard for a living. We can’t make ends meet as it is.”

The atmosphere chilled instantly. Nana’s face fell. She gave her mother a cold look, and said defiantly, “You wouldn’t buy me expensive clothes even if you were a millionaire.” Mother said, “Enough of this nonsense. Let’s have lunch.” Feet dragging and full of resentment, Nana followed mother into a restaurant. The mood between mother and daughter was spoiled beyond repair. Even if they had ordered filet mignon, it would have tasted like poison.

This incident deserved a different ending. Even with a limited budget, a parent could afford to be cordial and sympathetic. Nana’s mother could have said, “I wish our budget allowed me to buy you this coat. Your heart seems so set on it.” Mother could have granted in fantasy what she could not give in reality.

A Conversation about Homework

RONALD ( age twelve ): Oh, Mom, I have a note for you to sign. It’s from my teacher.

MOTHER: I see two notes.

RONALD: Oh, yeah, I forgot to show it to you.

MOTHER: ( Reads the first note. ) Dear Mrs. A. I thought you should know that Ronald hasn’t been doing his social studies homework, all term. ( Reads second note. ) Dear Mrs. A. Ronald has not been doing the work assigned to him in English literature. He must do his reading as well as his social studies. I would appreciate hearing form you.

MOTHER: ( after a long pause ): This is a very serious matter!

RONALD: I know. But I can’t help it. It’s no use, Mom. You see, I just don’t have a habit of doing homework. I never did have it, not since first grade. And, I can’t change now.

MOTHER: Um, hmmm ( picks up note and stares at it again ). This is a very serious matter!

RONALD: Well, maybe I could put a sign on my desk: “Don’t forget the homework books.”

MOTHER: You think a sign might help your remember?

RONALD: Maybe. But it isn’t just that. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Everybody does his homework except me.

MOTHER: ( Sits quietly, looking concerned. The silence is heavy .)

RONALD: So what will you do?

MOTHER: The question, Ronald is: What will you do? I know that when you want to do something, even if it’s hard, you do it. Like with your guitar. Nobody believed you could play that big instrument. But you decided that you could. You worked at it every night, and you learned to play.

RONALD: But that’s the thing! I wanted to play the guitar, but I don’t want to do homework!

MOTHER: I see. It’s getting yourself to want to do it, that’s the problem.

RONALD: Yes. And there’s another thing with me. I don’t use time wisely. Like when we’re finished with one page we are supposed to go on to another one. I don’t I just chew on my pencil and stare into space – like this.

MOTHER: Oh, so you also need to learn to use time wisely.

RONALD: Yes. ( Long silence. ) So what’ll you write?

MOTHER: Well, I know how to start the letter. You dictate to me how you plant to take care of the problem. I’ll read aloud as I write. You tell me if it meets with your approval: Dear Teacher. Ronald showed me your two notes. This is a very serious matter. I appreciate your bringing it to our attention. I have discussed the problem with Ronald. He says…

RONALD: Tell her that from now on I’ll bring my social studies book home.

MOTHER: Ronald says he plans to bring home his social studies workbook. Anything else?

RONALD: Tell her I’ll have the assignment ready by Monday.

MOTHER: Ronald also says he plans to do his reading and bring in the assignment on Monday.

RONALD: Right. And tell her that I’m going to stop wasting time.

MOTHER: He says that he plans to use his time more wisely. All right?

RONALD: ( sounding relieved ): Gee, Mom. You didn’t yell or make a big thing of it.

MOTHER: It is a very big thing . I didn’t yell because I feel confident that once you take charge of the problem it will be solved. But make no mistake, it is an extremely important matter.

Cars and Finances

This incidence was told by a mother of an eighteen-year-old boy; “My son came home with great ideas about buying a new car for himself. He had already checked the facts and figures with a car dealer. All he needed was his father’s signature for a bank loan.

“I made the mistake of immediately telling him that he could not afford a car. I also told him that his father would not sign a loan for him. Richard got angry and accused me of not understanding his needs.

“When his father came home Richard spoke to him about the car. His dad agreed to go to the car dealer, and discuss the purchase. He admired Richard’s selection and taste. They sat down together and figured the finances. They concluded that even with Richard’s summer earnings he could not manage to pay for a new car. Father suggested that after Richard had banked a set amount of money, a loan could be taken out.

“This solution satisfied Richard. The matter was set amicably.”

A Job Offer: Who Decides?

This story was told by a mother who had struggled hard with herself to allow her son autonomy: “My son, age seventeen, was offered the position of art director in a camp. The invitation was most flattering to him. But he was not overjoyed. In fact, he seemed disturbed. The praise made him uneasy.

“I had to control myself from insisting that he accept the offer immediately. But I kept on thinking: ‘He is no puppet.’ I allowed him to make up his own mind. I said, ‘It’s a tough decision. You’ll have to give it much thought.’ Norman answered, ‘I’m not certain that this is what I really want to do this summer. I need time to decide.’

“Two weeks later Norman accepted the invitation and signed a contract. It was a long two weeks for me. But I kept my faith. I kept on saying to myself: ‘He must direct his own drama. It is his time and age to be on stage. My part is to stay in the audience, sympathetic, prayerful and proud.’”

Teenage Sports and Parents’ Fears

The speaker in this episode is a mother of a sixteen-year-old girl: “My daughter wanted to go for a two-day ski trip arranged by her school. I have always been fearful of skiing. I have the usual anxieties about dangerous sports. In the past, I would have said, ‘It’s too dangerous. You’ll break a leg. You can’t go.’ This time I said, ‘I wish I took advantage of such opportunities when I went to school. I admire your courage. I hope you enjoy yourself.’

“When my daughter returned with no broken bones, only with red cheeks, she said to me, ‘You know, Mom, I was pretty scared at first. Skiing is very hard. I had trouble keeping my balance. But I am sure that next time it will be easier.’

“My restraint enabled her to give vent to her fears and share her experience with me, Because of my calm attitude she was able to encourage herself.”

An Almost Lost Weekend

In this story a mother tells how her skill saved a family holiday: “Our family spent the weekend at rustic old inn. Lana, age fourteen, was terribly disappointed with its appearance. She had visualized a much more lavish place. When we were shown into our rooms (without TV or videogames), Lana said she hated this old age place and refused to join us for dinner. I said, ‘You are disappointed. You wish we were in a more elegant hotel.’ ‘Yes,’ she said bitterly. I asked her to come down for dinner despite her ‘aggravated condition.’ Putting my arm around her shoulder, I said, ‘Lana, I feel you’ll be more comfortable joining us than staying in the room all alone.’

“In the past I would have attacked her. I would have told her how ungrateful she was, or ridiculed her expectations, or tried to point out how lovely everything was, or criticized her taste. This time I echoed her feelings, understood her disappointment, and stated my wishes.

“Not only did she join us for dinner but she had a fabulous time. Upon her return home, she rhapsodized to her friends about the ‘quaint’ inn she had been to.

EPILOGUE

Parenthood is an endless series of small events, periodic conflicts, and sudden crises which call for a response. The response is not without consequence: it affects peace and personality for better or for worse.

Our teenager’s character is shaped by experience with people and situations. No one can teach loyalty by lectures, courage by correspondence or manhood by mail. Character education requires presence that demonstrates and contact that communicates. Teenager learn what they live, and becomes what they experiences. To them, our mood is the message, the style is the substance, the process is the product.We want our teenagers to be human beings with compassion, commitment, and courage, people whose lives are guided by a core of strength and a code of fairness. To achieve these humane goals, we need humane methods. Love is not enough. Insight is insufficient. Good parents need skill. How to attain and use such skill is the main theme of Between Parent and Teenager . I hope that this book will help parents and teenagers translate desired ideals into daily practices.